The Nature of ‘Reality’
As always, this purpose of this post is to empower you, as I have empowered myself. Considering the bigger questions about life and the nature of reality allow me to expand my perspective, broadening my mind, and my perception of ‘reality’.
‘Reality’, as we tend to think of it, is intricately intertwined with our perception of it. In other words, there is not much difference between our perception and what we consider to be ‘real’. “Reality’ is also collectively believed to be an unchangeable thing ‘out there’ that is beyond our scope of influence.
Well, we all certainly have the power to change our perception of reality. The practical purpose of sussing out the very subtle distinction between my perception of ‘reality’ and the happenings I observe with my senses, is to locate that which I do have the power to change. I can change my perception. I can change my interpretation. I am locating my point of power.
The stories that I tell myself about who I am, where I am, the people and the world around me and the nature of existence - are narrated by me. They form my worldview and my beliefs about ‘reality’. Changing these stories, changing my beliefs and thoughts, changes the way that I perceive ‘reality’.
I can choose an interpretation that feels good to me, that feels acceptable to me. I can choose an interpretation that I do not fight or resist. When I interpret ‘reality’ in a way that feels unacceptable to me, I create tension in my body, in my heart and in my mind. The experience of this tension feels bad. It feels especially like a lack of peace or inner turbulence. This is happening inside my body, mind and heart, so I can absolutely, 100% change it - because I can change my mind. I can change my interpretation.
This can take time. In my experience, I often have to mull it over. I ask myself, “Is my understanding the only way to understand? Is there another way to look at it?” I ask, “How can I change or broaden this story, so it feels acceptable to me?” Lately I ask, “Am I sure my interpretation, my perception, is correct and relevant to the other people involved?” Humility goes a long way in this type of query.
Here is a simple example from a previous post: A husband asks his wife & the mother of his children to please hang the wet towels instead of leaving them in pile on the floor. The next day he comes home to find a heap of wet towels on the floor. He could interpret: “She doesn’t respect me at all! I have asked her time and time again, and still, she leaves the towels on the floor!” OR he could interpret: “We just spoke about this yesterday & there are towels on the floor. She must have had a very challenging day. I’ll hang up the towels, and see if there is anything I can do to support her.”
In this example, it is easy to see how each interpretation will have a very different outcome.
Changing my interpretation changes ‘reality’ because it changes what I believe ‘reality’ to be. This changes how I think, feel and act in relationship to others and the world. This, of course, then changes my relationships, which alter the happenings between me and others, as well as the outcomes (those things out there that seem distinct from me). Is that the ‘reality’ that I cannot change? Because it looks like my interpretation of ‘reality’ might travel and also affect the ‘out there reality’, much like ripples in a pond.
The deeper understanding is that there is no such thing as a ‘passive observer’. The famous scientific experiment that illustrated this is known as ‘The Double Slit Experiment.” In this experiment, unobserved light moves through slits in wave form. When the light is observed, the wave form collapses into particles that then move through the slits.
This suggests that ‘reality’ exists as waves of energetic potentials until it is consciously observed. An individual observer has various beliefs, ideas and feelings about who they are, where they are, and what the meaning of this experience of life is. The wave form potential is then actualized, or collapsed into physical particles based upon the beliefs, ideas and feelings of that individual. In this way, vision - or observation - is actually a very active, creative capacity. (If you want to chew on this some more, refer back to these posts: “Vision is an Active Faculty” & "The Art of Creation”).
How far can we take this one, simple idea to manifest a world of peace, abundance & cooperation?
This brings up another, deeper question for me. If the unobserved ‘reality’ exists in vibrational wave form potentials, then my body is actually energy vibrating at different frequencies. Your body is also energy vibrating at different frequencies. And the space, things and people between you ‘over there’ and me ‘over here’, is just energy vibrating at different frequencies.
The question I have is: Who, or what, is doing the observing?
And where is the distinction between us? What consciousness peers out of your eyes? What awareness peers from mine? Are they not the same?
In review:
Distinguishing between the happenings around you (wife left wet towels on the floor) and your interpretation (‘She doesn’t respect me’ versus ‘she’s had a very challenging day’) is empowering because you can choose your interpretation.
Changing your interpretation from a story that feels bad (usually a disempowering one) to a story that feels good or acceptable to you, will create a sense of relaxation in your body and a sense of peace in your mind and heart.
This relaxed and peaceful state of being will change the way you relate to others and to the world around you.
This will affect your relationships, which will bring about different happenings and outcomes.
Thus, by changing your own mind, you change ‘reality’. Your own mind is your access point to affecting the whole. If you want the world to change, you do so most efficiently and powerfully by changing yourself.
This is the real secret. This is the real alchemy, the practice of which brings about something infinitely more valuable than gold! Consciousness comes before physical manifestation! Consciousness is not a byproduct of physical happenings! Physical happenings are a byproduct of your consciousness! Think of it! Changing just this one belief in your own mind would create immeasurable differences in your experience of ‘reality’!
The Truth Shall Set You Free: Manifestation Through Honesty Versus Deception
In this post, I would like to take you on a journey of a deeper consideration of honesty and deceit. In so doing, I hope to inspire within you a commitment to be honest with yourself and by extension, others. Not to uphold some ideal moral code, but rather because this one choice determines what you create in your life. In using deception, you build a life around you that is out of harmony with you and so becomes uninspired and flat. On the other hand, committing yourself to honesty builds a life around you that you love and enjoy.
For all of my readers who have already made a commitment to honesty, the ideas in this post might be obvious to you. (I am actually really curious about this). What might not be obvious to you is why other people use deception - and this post may give you a peak into that reality.
First off, I will not say that deception is ‘bad’. In our current world, there are times when a lie could be life saving. I learned deception at a young age, and for me, it was an undeniable form of self protection. So this is an important point: I cannot tell you when a lie might save you from danger or abuse. Only you can discern that for yourself. If you are in a dangerous situation, and you can use deception to save yourself and others, please do! I will caution you, however - my perception of ‘danger’ continued even after my situation changed, and I was no longer in any real danger. So, discernment of your conditions versus your perception is important to develop.
When I moved in with my aunt and uncle before the start of middle school, I had this understanding: lying is a useful and necessary protection. My aunt had a very different perspective of lying. To her, lying blocked intimacy and eroded our relationship. My aunt was very clear at expressing her displeasure with my lying, and she readily doled out negative consequences when she caught me in a lie. This once protective habit produced negativity and drama in my new life. I had to re-orient myself.
Some years after beginning my ‘adult’ life, I was able to see that I also lied by omission. Also a hangover from my formative years, I used silence and withholding as a protective mechanism. If I didn’t communicate with you, I put distance between us, so you could not ‘hurt’ me. Silence, when I have something that I want to say, prevents me from full participation in a relationship. I might also lie by omission if I assume you will not like what I have to say. In this case, I am erroneously taking responsibility for your reaction, which is not mine to take.
When I lived with my aunt and uncle during my teenage years, I was not yet even aware of how I withheld my perspective from others. Withholding was just an automatic, habitual response to life. I couldn’t reveal my truth, even to those who treated me with love - because intimacy felt dangerous to me. Experiencing abuse during my youngest years created a misperception that all other people were antagonistic. For me and my sisters, it wasn’t just our step mother who was abusive. It was also the babysitters she chose, the kids at school who made fun of us because we were different, and the middle school bully who beat up elementary school children walking to and from school. That was basically the whole of our world.
It took me decades of living in different conditions, with different people, for me to even see these once protective habits - and then begin the work of changing them. With perhaps another decade of life experience, I was able to see that I also lied for less significant reasons: approval & and avoiding conflict. Growth in self awareness takes time.
When we use deception in any form, we unwittingly create fake, empty relationships - and by extension, a fake and empty life. It is detrimental to our sense of self, as the continual disallowance of honest openness with ourselves and others erodes our self knowledge, our self confidence and ultimately, our self reliance. We do not know who we are, what we think or feel, and we become dependent upon other people’s opinions of us. This is one of the most disempowering circumstances we can create for ourselves.
On the other hand, when we commit ourselves to saying what we mean and meaning what we say, we free ourselves from the reactions and opinions of others. The first time I was able to voice my perspective in a heated discussion, I was amazed at how little the other person’s reaction to my honesty mattered to me. When I had finally come to that tipping point, I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of love and respect - for myself.
I had always assumed that I loved myself. I never belittled myself, I was never hard on myself - life was hard enough! It wasn’t until my mid twenties, when I tried saying, “I love you” in the mirror, that I was able to observe my own mental and emotional arguments to this statement. I was very surprised! “Holy crap!” I thought, “Do I NOT love myself?” I reasoned that this was the left over residue from my youngest years, in which I wasn’t treated with love. I must have taken that upon myself, so a belief that I was ‘unlovable’ was etched into my subconscious, and I didn’t even know it was there!!!
Yet my commitment to honest expression within relationships revealed to me that saying “I love you” in the mirror is NOT the same as actually treating myself with love and respect. It merely begins the reprogramming of the subconscious belief. It cracks opens the door to the actualization of self love - which seems to be, first and foremost, a commitment to live and express one’s own truth in the present moment of one’s unfolding life.
As I said earlier, my transition from deceit to honesty has been a continual evolution of thirty years. We tend to imagine that change happens instantaneously. While I do think that some inner shifts can be experienced this way - the vast majority of my learning has been a gradual process. When I understand that learning and integration are gradual, I am less likely to get discouraged and give up. I personally felt so frustrated for so many years that I was not yet ‘enlightened’. My inner suffering was continual. I was not at peace. I didn’t get it, I wasn’t getting it, and I wanted it so badly - so where the heck was the sudden “Poof!-Everything-makes-sense?!’’ Where was my instant gratification?!?!
Looking back, I can see clearly how far I have come. I have had some sudden realizations that have immediately shifted my perspective. However, the integration of these still took time. Mostly, the revelations have been a gradual expansion of my perspective as I have continued to ponder a given topic.
It takes time to grow in self-awareness. To even NOTICE automatic behaviors, it often also takes new life experiences. My life has changed radically, over and over again. Yet wherever I went, there I was. At some point, I could no longer believe that the outside world was responsible for that which I was carrying with me wherever I went. Change fosters growth in self awareness, for the simple reason that it allows you to see yourself from different perspectives.
What I discovered in this necessary accumulation of life experience, is that my use of deception as an adult created a life around me that was disharmonious to me and fraught with internal and external drama. It’s like this: my mind is a lens. My truth lives inside of me, and it is projected onto the screen of the outside world through the lens of my mind. Deception creates cracks in the lens, so the projected image becomes scattered and chaotic. Honesty, on the other hand, creates a clear, clean lens in which the projected image matches my resonating heart. The latter, once experienced, feels glorious.
Deception can also play out as a misinterpretation of reality. In this case, your misinterpretation deceives you. This means that your understanding and behavior are based on fallacy. I have also experienced this a great deal. As I said earlier, when I moved in with my aunt and uncle I was still perceiving danger, although it was no longer there. This can be equated to dirt on my lens, or an overlay of an assumed reality which prevents me from seeing clearly. As such, disentangling your interpretation from the world you see before you is vital to clarifying your lens. I have written about this in The Nature of Reality.
Radical Responsibility
In consideration of healing negative emotional and mental patterns, what does it mean to “do the work?”
Our impulse to cast blame is what leads us to talk about other people. You can see this play out at a personal level in everyday conversations with friends and family: “She said…..!”, “He did….!”, “They are…!!!”. The same pattern appears collectively as fingers point at that other religion, that other political party and those other people - in order to place the blame for our own inner turbulence - elsewhere. Recognizing this illusion can be very subtle, because when someone attacks you verbally or otherwise - surely, you have a great reason to be upset. Yet I am not interested in your reasons.
I am interested in your freedom.
To give an example of how I might talk about someone else instead of myself, I may remark, “You’re so needy!” - when speaking my truth would actually be saying, “I want to be alone right now.” These two sentences are trying to communicate the same thing. But as you can see, talking about myself has much more power - because it isn’t offensive, and it isn’t refutable.
Talking about others usually doesn’t bring about the desired result. This became clear to me as a parent. I used to say to my child, “You are tired, you need to go to bed.” But just the fact that I am talking about her opens my statement to opposition, “But mom! I am NOT tired!” It has been a wonderful learning experience. Now I say, “I am tired, and I am going to bed in 10 minutes. If you want me to tuck you in, you need to be ready in 8 minutes.” See? Nothing to refute. And the bonus: she is magically ready for bed in 8 minutes because she is very motivated to meet her own need.
Let me tell you a story to highlight these concepts.
I hike my dogs off leash. The other day, my boy dog lost track of me, and I had to go looking for him. A man on the trail said, “Are you looking for your dog? He went that way.” I said, “Thank you.” He then said, “It’s too bad you let your dog get away from you.” To which I responded, “Yeah, he usually keeps very good track of me.”
But I noticed that his comment bothered me because he was judging this scenario as ‘bad’ on my part. I watched my mind note how his off leash dog, a German Shepherd, is bred for protection and stays nearby, while my dogs are bred to run ahead and flush birds. My mind explained to me that my dogs do keep very good track of me, 99% of the time - and that yes, that is their job. (This idea is counter to our culture, so I didn’t really expect him to have that view.) But as you can see, my mind was using all of it’s resources to defend my sense of being a “good dog owner.”
I could go on to relate this story to you, and talk about how grumpy that man was or how off-putting. I could mention how easy it was for him to rattle off his judgement in that quick passing, where no conversation was imminent. I could say that it was such a cop-out, surmising that he must be weak, and go on about how rude some people can be. And what would I be doing? I would be talking about HIM.
And I don’t actually know anything about him. Instead, I could talk about me. I could tell you: I felt diminished in that moment, looked down upon. I could tell you that this shows some attachment in me to how I am perceived by others. I might mention that I intend to continue to see these attachments and let them go. I might also admit that I want to uplift others in my interactions with them, and since that interaction did not seem to be uplifting for him, I feel a bit disappointed. I could say the feeling of disappointment leads me to wonder what I could have done differently. And in all of that communication, you would actually learn something about me. This conversation would engender intimacy between us.
It is also interesting to note that when he mentioned how it was ‘bad’ that I let my dog get away from me - he was talking about me! I don’t know what his truth was in that moment because he didn’t share it! It could have been that he felt stressed about his dog’s reaction to Max running by them. If that was the case, he could have said, “Your dog ran that way. He passed us and my dog felt protective, acting aggressively toward your dog, and I felt very stressed. You may want to keep your dog closer to you for his safety.” THAT is a very different way of talking that actually leads to understanding. Now I have information about him and about a potential scenario, which may encourage me to keep Max closer at that park. The point of communication is to understand one another. Not necessarily to agree, but to understand. The purpose of sharing one’s truth, is communion.
To COME INTO UNION.
So you can see, can you not, that when we talk about others, it usually springs from an impure intention. In the case above, I am defending my limited (and very unimportant) sense of self against someone else. By necessity, I must look down on him to raise up my view of being ‘a good dog owner’. When I am pitting myself against someone else, or something that they said - I am motivated by a sense of separation from them. This obviously creates division between us.
So we have gone over two considerations in sharing our truth:
1. The purity of our intention and
2. Talking about ourselves.
The third consideration is intertwined with the second: asking questions instead of making assumptions. I am making an assumption any time I talk about someone else. In the case above, if I told you that guy was grumpy and blowing off some steam - that IS an ASSUMPTION, unless and until he expresses it to me himself.
In a common scenario, if someone speaks to me with an intense voice at a loud decibel, I could ask: “You seem upset. Did I do something?” This does two things that encourage understanding: it tells the person about my perspective, and it asks them about theirs. This is real communication. Any time I have ever used this, the other person immediately speaks more softly, admits that it has nothing to do with me & then clarifies the cause of their frustration. They know where I am, and now I know where they are. Marvelous.
The last consideration in speaking your truth is the clarity of your mind. In the story of Max losing me, I didn’t have mental clarity because my mind was busy defending my sense of self. Had I tried to share ‘my truth’ with that man at the time, it would have been nothing but self defense or counter attack. On the other hand, if my mind had not gone on that tangent, I might have had the clarity to ask, “Oh, did he startle you?” In which case, I would be working toward communion with this other person, instead of working for the defense of my self image.
This makes me wonder rather sheepishly, are there other people in this world who would instantly know to ask such a question?
Oftentimes for me, it is in retrospect that I can see clearly the workings of a scenario. This increases self awareness going forward, and I will gradually remember to work toward communion with others by asking them about their perspective or experience - particularly when they say something that has nothing to do with either.
These considerations in speaking your truth are plenty to ponder for now. Here they are again for reference:
What is your intention?
Are you sharing something about yourself or are you talking about someone else?
Are you making any assumptions?
And, how clear is your mind within the situation?
I will be writing more posts about communication because it is an area that is ripe for improvement in each of us and in our society. My aim will be to come into union with others & to assist you in doing the same.
The Woe of Being Right
If you read my recent post, ‘The Nature of Reality’, you might have been left with the question, “But HOW do I change my mind? HOW do I change my perspective?”
Expressing your truth begins with self knowledge - an awareness of what you think and how you feel in any given moment. A balanced expression of your truth also requires understanding that everyone else’s perspective is inherently different. With that in mind, communicating your perspective becomes much more effective when you consider the following:
What is your intention?
Are you talking about yourself or others?
Are you asking questions instead of making assumptions?
How clear is your mind within the conversation?
Let’s start with number one. When speaking your truth, what is your motivation? Is it to defend your sense of self? Is it because you think your viewpoint is the absolute truth? Is it because you want the other person to see things the same way that you see them? Any intention in which you want to defend your sense of self, your sense of reality or you want another person to adopt your view, is what I would call an impure intention. The reason is twofold:
1. You are trying to impose your perspective on someone else who has their own perspective, and
2. You are willing to diminish their view in order to validate the absoluteness of your own view. In other words, you are willing to put others down in order to raise your limited sense of self. (Identification with your perspective.)
With this definition, a pure intention is one that seeks to uplift all of life, including other people - not by allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, but by refusing to treat others that way. And this can be subtle. In fact, it becomes more subtle as you go. Sometimes, expressing your opinion serves no real purpose beyond validating your sense of self or your sense of reality. Other times, withholding your perspective can diminish you, the relationship, and life itself. Speaking your truth might occasionally hurt someone’s well-being, yet staying silent might deprive them of the chance to grow. There are also times when someone simply is not willing or able to receive what you are sharing - and I have learned to respect that, for it is their choice.
There is no absolute rule to figuring out if what you want to share will be uplifting or diminishing. You have to be mindful, introspective and increase your self awareness as you go. In my case, I tend toward withholding and silence. So when I am withholding something that would serve life, I may feel a knot in my throat and emotionally guarded - yet everything inside of me is urging me to speak. For someone who tends to be open, and freely shares their thoughts and opinions: the lesson may be to examine the purity of their intent while pausing to consider the effect of sharing their perspective.
Another consideration in the expression of one’s truth is cultivating an ability to communicate about ourselves instead of other people. The tendency to attack the character of other people and name call is rampant in our culture. Talking negatively about others nullifies the intrinsic power of self knowledge and accountability. It is common in our world to blame other people and external circumstances for our own state of being. It feels like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but really, it’s an eternal-slavery card. For as long as we are not in control of our own state of being, our state of being is at the mercy of everything else. I wrote more about this in Radical Responsibility.
Speaking Your Truth: Some Deeper Considerations
In my recent post, The Truth Shall Set You Free, I explored how the use of honesty cultivates harmony between ourselves and our lives, while the use of deception creates discord. It is a simple concept worth considering, as it will help you become more aware of what you are creating in your own life. That’s my intention: to empower you.
Yet when it comes to speaking one’s truth, there are some deeper considerations.
The biggest challenge we face in speaking our truth, is the tendency in our culture to define absolutes. We tend to become very attached to our own perspectives, equating our views with who we are and with the truth of reality.
In the most obvious example, a person can develop a dogmatic or extremist mindset. This is marked by a rigid mentality - where exposure to new information doesn’t broaden one’s perspective, but instead triggers the need to defend it at all costs. People like this will tend to foist their perspectives on others. Their basic motivation is the preservation of their sense of self or their sense of reality, and in the process they are more than willing to diminish others. One could say that this kind of person “speaks their truth” and doesn’t “lie by omission”. And if you read my last article, you might have concluded that I am suggesting that this kind of person creates harmony in life. But I wouldn’t consider this an honest expression of one’s truth. For one, these ‘truths’ are often adopted from external sources. And this kind of expression is unbalanced because it lacks awareness of, or respect for, the simple fact that everyone sees the world from their own perspective.
So, I would like to set the stage with this: We each have an individual perspective and understanding of life. Our individual perspectives are the result of our personal life experiences, as well as our interpretations of those experiences. This means two things:
Everyone’s perspective is valid, and
Everyone’s perspective is different.
Our unique life experiences, combined with our personal interpretations, create intricate inner kaleidoscopes through which each of us view our shared world.
So, even though we tend to define and cling to absolutes, we can recognize that what we see through our individual perspective is NOT ABSOLUTE. This doesn’t negate the possibility of an underlying, unified truth - only that we cannot fully grasp it through the lens of our personal perspectives. When we believe our own perspective is the absolute truth, we automatically assume that other perspectives are wrong. I wrote more about the division this causes in The Woe of Being Right.
Freedom from Within: The Long Search for Emotional Healing: A reflection on identity, authenticity and the journey to self-mastery
My earnest search for emotional healing began when my life finally became my own, around the age of twenty-two. Before that time, I often arrived at school feeling as though my emotional body had been run over by a truck — yet no one could see it, so of course, no one could help me. I was alone with my pain, and that felt profoundly unfair.
It struck me that anyone with a physical injury received the love, attention, and care they needed to heal. Support from the community overflowed. Yet when the wound was emotional, society offered little recognition or guidance.
Without that societal awareness, when I inevitably acted outside of accepted norms, I wasn’t met with compassion or offered tools for healing. Instead, I was called unstable, labeled with diagnoses, and prescribed drugs to numb my capacity to think and feel. None of that helped, of course — it only deepened my sense of alienation.
For many in my generation, unacknowledged emotional trauma left us silently suffering. Yet over time awareness has grown, inspiring a deeper understanding of trauma, as well as the development of effective ways to resolve it. These methods and the awareness that created them are still on the fringe of society — so the work of emotional healing can still seem elusive.
As recognition has grown, the cultural pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. Rather than being unfamiliar with emotional trauma, displays of emotional reactivity are now often protected. And the younger generations tend to over-accommodate, tiptoeing around one another, afraid to cause “hurt feelings.” Catering to each other’s wounds isn’t much better than ignorance — both responses enable the root cause of suffering to fester, untouched.
We now see this pattern across many areas of modern life, where efforts to shield others from emotional discomfort obscure the deeper work of inner transformation. Consider, for example, the growing sensitivity around identity and language. While words carry meaning and power, emotional pain doesn’t arise from language itself. Instead, it reflects a profound inner conflict — one rooted in self-acceptance, belonging, and the tension between who we are and who we believe we should be. Because this conflict does not originate in language, changing the language cannot resolve the pain.
When our sense of self depends upon external validation, even well-intentioned social adjustments can increase confusion by diverting attention from the true source of suffering. It does not lie in external labels, but in the discrepancy between our true nature and the ideals we’ve been taught to embody. This struggle is so pervasive that many do not even fit within their own ideas of what it means to be a man or a woman, a boy or a girl. The dissonance that this creates within the psyche is far more painful than the superficial use of language.
This topic is close to my heart, because I never fit in with my own ideas of what it meant to be a girl. My ideas were simplistic and based upon what I observed: girls liked to dress up, wear makeup, go shopping and gossip. I didn’t like any of those things. I preferred exploring nature, dancing in thunderstorms, rescuing worms, climbing trees, and swinging on monkey bars. I was fierce at street hockey, could do more than 10 pull-ups, and was unafraid to throw down any boy who thought teasing me was fun.
When I looked around, every indication suggested that I was more like the boys than the girls, despite my female form. Back then, the term ‘tomboy’ was used to describe girls like me — so I labeled myself thus and moved on.
Labeling ourselves when we are young creates a foundation for building our sense of self. Even just knowing that my body was female gave me a sense of stability. Had anyone told me that I could change my body to match how I behaved, it would have caused unnecessary confusion and pain. I might have concluded that I should have been a boy — and that belief would have haunted me, making me feel as though I had been born wrong.
Though the external labels “female” and “tomboy” were a beginning, they couldn’t answer the deeper questions stirring within me. Admittedly, my earlier years were turbulent for reasons not everyone shares, but much of my suffering came from not knowing who I was or why I was here. These are fundamental questions I believe most of us begin asking in our youth.
Yet instead of supporting young people in their search for self and meaning, society diverts their quest — by encouraging them to construct their identity from external or imagined concepts, rather than guiding them inward toward the discovery of who they already are. This approach leads our youth to anchor their sense of self in illusion, rather than essence — an essence that cannot be reduced to or limited by any physical form.
We further complicate matters by asking others to affirm fabricated identities, unintentionally reinforcing illusion at the expense of authenticity. It’s a tender mistake — one that confuses validation for healing. Yet this neither resolves the alienation of not belonging nor fosters the development of an intrinsic sense of self. Ultimately, each time we encourage identification with an idea, we pull the soul further from its own center.
In the end, society leaves young people chasing a mirage, calling it altruism while quietly undermining their becoming. To mistake appeasement for compassion is not kindness — but a subtle cruelty that delays true self-discovery and actualization.
My words are direct because I am devoted to facilitating healing and integration — especially for those who suffer because they don’t fit into cultural molds. That was my experience, and I too endured the inevitable rejection and cruelty that arise from standing apart. It was unpleasant, yes, but it also revealed something profound: many of our cultural values are painfully superficial. I didn’t envy the children who conformed to them — I felt sorry for them — seeing that their belonging came at the cost of discovering their inner authority.
So, if you struggle because you don’t fit into society’s expectations, I understand. I also understand the temptation to build a sense of self from imagined concepts. What you are longing for is freedom — the freedom to simply be yourself, without the constraint of pre-defined norms or the pressure to belong anywhere but within the sanctuary of your own sovereignty.
Yet when we construct identity from external ideas, the freedom we seek remains illusive. This approach simply cannot offer the confidence and security that arise from true self knowledge.
There is also a simple and liberating truth waiting to be remembered: regardless of the physical body we inhabit, each of us embodies both masculine and feminine energies. To avoid confusion, we might call them yin and yang — complementary expressions of the same whole.
These energies naturally shift throughout our lives — and even through the course of a single day. With one friend, we may embody a protective and supportive role; with another, a nurturing and intuitive one. Physical gender does not limit this expression. We are free to be who we are — regardless of the expectations attached to gender, race, culture or age. Social norms may influence us, but they cannot define us. Only we can do that — with the ideas we hold about ourselves.
This realization is liberating because ideas are easy to change. When we discover that we do not fit in with our own ideas, we can expand them to embrace our current sense of self. Allowing our self-concept to evolve over time is both natural and healthy.
And when we don’t fit in with the ideological structure of society, we often serve a vital role — encouraging society itself to mature. Nonconformists are catalysts for cultural growth.
At its heart, non-conformity honors individual freedom of expression: you get to be you, and I get to be me. The moment either of us insist that the other adopt the same view, that freedom is lost. If we truly value the freedom to be ourselves, we must offer that same grace to others — without demand or expectation.
True freedom is not found by fitting in; it is found by owning what lives within our own mind and heart. And like true healing, it begins when we stop seeking external validation and turn inward — to transform the beliefs that obscure our wholeness and prevent us from fully becoming.
This brings us back to the essence of emotional healing. To heal the emotional body, we must first uncover the source of our pain. At the core of feeling inferior because we don’t “fit in” lies a simple truth: we do not yet love and accept ourselves as we are.
Ultimately, this is a lesson each of us must learn — we are intrinsically lovable and worthy. We do not have to earn our value. Our beliefs alone determine whether we feel lovable or unlovable. Formed in the mind, those beliefs regulate whether the heart opens to share love or closes to reject it. This highlights the need to consciously examine and reframe beliefs to resolve emotional pain. When we hold limiting beliefs, we inevitably experience the emotions that correspond to them: insecurity, shame, fear, or separation. When we consciously shift our beliefs toward those that open the heart, feelings of love, peace and joy naturally follow.
One common belief is that we cannot love and accept ourselves unless we are first loved and accepted by others. Yet the truth is the inverse: until we fully embrace ourselves, we cannot give or receive love unconditionally.
Conditional love is not actually love — it is merely the ability to strike a bargain. We bargain for this mediocre substitute because we are cut off from the source of Love within us — which is simply the result of hearts that are guarded against the natural unfolding of life. So we come to believe that we can only receive love from the outside, reducing ourselves to beggars peddling false commodities.
This illustrates how beliefs give rise to our feelings and actions — revealing the subtle, all-pervading power of perception — and the mind as our greatest tool for conscious self-development. But intellectual understanding is only the doorway. Healing and integration require practice: a conscious reorientation toward self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and the steady cultivation of confidence in our own worth.
A sutra of the Buddha illustrates this beautifully: “Love yourself and watch — today, tomorrow, always.” The sequence is revealing: loving oneself precedes the ‘watching’ of meditation. After all, how can we truly witness our inner workings if we have not yet learned to hold ourselves, without judgment, in love and compassion?
This returns us to the primacy of self-responsibility. Healing requires full accountability for our own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings — while gently releasing the illusion that we are responsible for others. Only then can we clearly perceive what belongs to us and what does not.
For example, while I never intend to diminish or demean anyone, I recognize that certain interactions may stir painful beliefs within another’s psyche. Though this can feel uncomfortable, I do not need to take responsibility for their pain. Instead, I can meet them with honesty and compassion: “It was not my intention to hurt you. What did you hear me say?” Such dialogue opens the way to understanding, clarity, and connection — all of which facilitate awareness and healing.
Some people do attempt to intentionally hurt or demean others with their words and actions. Yet even then, the pain does not come from what was said or done — it arises from the negative beliefs we have internalized. A bully cannot make me believe something untrue about myself — nor can their apology erase the beliefs I already hold. Only I have the power to do that.
I was thoroughly unpopular in my formative years, but that was not the source of my pain. The cruelty of other children merely reflected my inner state. My early home environment often felt threatening, and through those experiences I adopted negative beliefs about myself and the world. These beliefs became the source of my suffering, as I interpreted reality through a hostile lens. While I had no control over those early years, I eventually realized that I could change my beliefs.
Before the age of eight, our brains function primarily in theta and delta wave states — slow, deeply receptive frequencies that allow us to learn through absorption rather than reasoning. In this hypnotic openness, we take in our experiences as reality, without the capacity to question our interpretation of them. These formative years lay the foundation of our subconscious belief system — the structure upon which we build both our inner and outer lives.
Fortunately, as adults, we can consciously revise these programs once we recognize they no longer serve us. Spoken affirmations, tapping, EMDR, brain-spotting, and other reprogramming methods that engage these same brain wave states are powerful tools. For me, they were essential. They created space within my awareness, allowing me to respond rather than react when an old wound was triggered.
Of course, none of this happens overnight. Emotional healing takes time. In a culture conditioned for instant gratification, the slow and often messy work of transformation can feel frustratingly foreign. I never found any easy, quick-fix solutions for resolving emotional turmoil. I had to move consciously through each painful belief, one at a time. There are no bypass roads around this. I’ve been traveling this path for over twenty years, and at times, it has felt bleak, impossible, and endless.
My own journey was far from graceful — it was often chaotic, irrational, and painfully human. More than once, I found myself in heaving sobs, curled up on the bathroom floor, certain that life wasn’t getting any better — that I wasn’t getting any better. In the beginning, I often reverted to behaviors that can only be described as absolute madness. You may hear the stories someday. My middle sister and I once had a fight so explosive, it could have shamed Jerry Springer’s guests, had anyone been there to record it. And yet, she and I were close. Another day, I sobbed to her, “I wish that I was normal! I just want to be normal!” No doubt, my sisters have often felt the same way.
My husband has witnessed a bit of my crazy behavior too — a more mature and subdued version, mind you. Luckily, he can match it, so I’ve never felt embarrassed by my own perceived inadequacies. “Crazy behavior” is nothing more than a wounded emotional body in action — repeating unconscious, irrational, and destructive patterns when triggered.
In the beginning, my husband and I duked it out often — the unspoken contest of who had the deepest emotional wounds. Not that we consciously fought about it, but underneath every argument, it was something like this:
“I am way more hurt than you, and I deserve concession!”
“No way!!! You don’t know anything about how hurt I feel, you think it’s all about you! What about ME?!?”
When our daughter came along, everything shifted. We both suddenly thought far less about ourselves and far more about her. And wouldn’t you know it? A giant part of emotional healing was simply getting over myself — letting go of my identification with being victimized, which had long justified my irrational behavior.
Thank you, Juniper, for teaching me this lesson. While it was easy to excuse cold or harsh behavior toward a man whose tone could be sharp and expression unwavering — acting like a petulant child in front of our newborn gave me a
v-e-r-y l-o-n-g p-a-u-s-e.
Ohhhhhhhh — the emotional defense card doesn’t work here. If I act out against her father, it does not hurt just him — it hurts her. And I was simply unwilling to reduce her to collateral damage.
So, I got over myself. And I keep getting over myself. This tool is called humility — the willingness and ability to lay down one’s weapons and armor because one finally sees that all battles are destructive to life.
That moment marked the beginning of my journey with self-mastery — when love for my daughter collided with my awareness, I was emboldened to discover where I was out of integrity with my own values. I was no longer willing to excuse my destructive beliefs, emotions or behaviors — because I recognized that their expression diminished her.
With this new courage and purpose, I discovered one supreme tool for healing the emotional body: I place my conscious attention in my physical body the moment an emotional wound gets triggered. When I feel it, I can heal it.
If your feelings are triggered by someone else, it reveals an existing wound in your emotional body. It was not inflicted by the other person; they only revealed what was already there. To believe otherwise is a form of self-deception that wreaks havoc in all relationships. The purpose of the outer world is simply to bring into view a belief that no longer serves you. Be grateful for these experiences — and turn your attention within.
This, I believe, is the deeper meaning of turning the other cheek. It doesn’t mean repressing emotion or striving to be “the bigger person.” Rather, it is the natural result of realizing that the real insult — the real injury — lies within our acceptance and enactment of false beliefs. The outer world is only a mirror. If there were no pain within, there would be nothing to trigger.
The practice itself is conceptually simple, yet remarkably challenging in application. The trick is this: when my mind attempts to hijack my attention with tangents or excuses, I interrupt it — gently but firmly — and bring my awareness into my body, into the physical sensations of emotion.
It is the light of awareness that heals the emotional body as it squirms uncomfortably in its exposure. The power of conscious attention — used to observe pain rather than avoid it — is the very force that transforms us.
I dare say, it’s the only thing that truly heals.
When I do this practice, it often feels as though an ugly part of myself has been pinned up for examination. This in-lighten-ing of the darkness within is uncomfortable — often accompanied by waves of shame, guilt, or regret. Yet if you truly want to heal, you must stay with it. Those feelings too are rooted in false beliefs, and they tempt you to abandon the path to freedom.
So you must decide: which do you value more — the comfort of the known or freedom from suffering?
Once you move through the discomfort full attention brings, you can begin to discern the underlying belief and replace it with a more constructive idea.
It is important to remember that our reactions to emotional wounds are habitual. These automatic responses bypass conscious awareness and engage the survival brain — a useful adaptation when facing physical danger, but often misplaced in modern life. A harsh word or judgment is not a tiger in the grass, yet the body responds as if it were. This is why maintaining conscious awareness in moments of perceived threat is difficult.
It is difficult. And it is necessary.
Each time we recall our awareness in the midst of emotional turmoil, we forge a new neural pathway. At first, it is a narrow gravel road beside the well-worn highway of old reactions. But with repetition, that road widens and smooths. Over time, it becomes the main road, while the old reactive patterns crack and fade away.
When that shift takes hold, my friend, the work becomes easier. You are no longer riding the emotional rollercoaster — you are standing on solid ground, watching others still caught in its loops and drops. As a calm observer, you become the living example that there is another way. They too can step off the ride whenever they are ready.
This state of awareness is not to be confused with imperviousness, callousness, or emotional numbness. On the contrary, you will feel deeply —yet remain fully present with those feelings without mistaking them for who you are. There is always a middle path to walk: neither repression nor reactivity. You are not running away, nor are you armored. You are vulnerable, open and fully present.
There will come a day when someone calls you cruel names or accuses you of terrible intentions — and it will not hurt your feelings. Not because you have hardened, but because you have healed. In that moment, you will see clearly: the other person is hurting and projecting their pain outward because they are not yet ready to take responsibility for themselves. Instead of taking offense, you will feel compassion for their lack of awareness — which you once shared.
In conclusion, you do not have to endlessly dig through the weeds of your past to find healing. You can, but it did not do much to shift me personally. What transforms me most is the simple act of staying present with whatever emotion arrives at the roundtable of my heart.
In one moment, grief may knock on the door, and instead of escaping into distraction, I sit with her. The next moment, resentment barges in, and I pull up a chair to listen. Fear, doubt, helplessness — I greet them all and give them my full attention. In the light of awareness, the emotions calm and I discover that I am not my emotions. It is then that they lose their hold over me.
And wouldn’t you know it? It was my unconscious identification with suffering — and my attempts to deny or outrun it — that kept it alive and prevented my healing. As the continual discovery goes: I was doing it to myself.
This reveals the hidden cost of the victim mentality — a belief so deeply woven into our culture that we often mistake it for truth. When I see myself as a victim of life or others, I dismiss my intrinsic power and build a prison of my own making. The only escape is to abandon victimhood and take full responsibility for how I show up in the world. No excuses, no blame — just awareness, humility, and conscious choice.
To sum it up:
Keep this question close at heart — Do I want the comfort of repetition and victimhood or do I want to heal and become free from suffering?
If you want freedom, here are the tools I’ve mentioned:
Interrupt patterns: Break up the habitual energy of destructive feelings and beliefs through spoken affirmations, tapping, EMDR, brain-spotting, or other reprogramming methods that utilize theta and delta brain waves.
Cultivate humility: Ask yourself — do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
Bring awareness into your body: Root your full attention in the physical sensations of emotion while letting go of the mental stories. Stay with the sensations until the emotional intensity dissolves.
Reframe beliefs: When calm returns, examine the belief that fueled the emotion and replace it with one that supports peace and growth.
Every human being will one day come to the same recognition: no amount of external approval, identification, or belonging can substitute for self-acceptance. The moment we see this clearly, we begin to align with personal integrity rather than imitation. This integration — the journey back to wholeness — is the crux of all healing.
Healing is the process of uncovering who we truly are beneath the pain, the mental stories, and the layers of false identity. The wholeness of my being was never absent; it was only obscured by beliefs that told me I was broken, unfixable, and unworthy to become.
As I turned inward, I began to realize that bringing my awareness to my wounds and false beliefs is how I pull the beam from my own “I” — so that I can see clearly to help remove the beam from my brother’s “I.” This is the freedom that self-awareness and mastery bring: the capacity to see without distortion, to love without condition, to feel without being consumed, and to meet life fully — with an open and conscious heart.
Freedom from suffering is not a destination, but a continual practice of returning — again and again — to presence, humility, and authenticity. In that return, a peace that passeth all understanding begins to flourish. The long search for emotional healing dissolves in the present moment, when I use my freedom to turn my attention within. This is the essence of self-mastery: to reclaim power over my own mind and heart — while surrendering all attempts to control external conditions and other people.
This is where I am going.
Do you want to come with me?