Radical Responsibility
In consideration of healing negative emotional and mental patterns, what does it mean to “do the work?”
Our impulse to cast blame is what leads us to talk about other people. You can see this play out at a personal level in everyday conversations with friends and family: “She said…..!”, “He did….!”, “They are…!!!”. The same pattern appears collectively as fingers point at that other religion, that other political party and those other people - in order to place the blame for our own inner turbulence - elsewhere. Recognizing this illusion can be very subtle, because when someone attacks you verbally or otherwise - surely, you have a great reason to be upset. Yet I am not interested in your reasons.
I am interested in your freedom.
To give an example of how I might talk about someone else instead of myself, I may remark, “You’re so needy!” - when speaking my truth would actually be saying, “I want to be alone right now.” These two sentences are trying to communicate the same thing. But as you can see, talking about myself has much more power - because it isn’t offensive, and it isn’t refutable.
Talking about others usually doesn’t bring about the desired result. This became clear to me as a parent. I used to say to my child, “You are tired, you need to go to bed.” But just the fact that I am talking about her opens my statement to opposition, “But mom! I am NOT tired!” It has been a wonderful learning experience. Now I say, “I am tired, and I am going to bed in 10 minutes. If you want me to tuck you in, you need to be ready in 8 minutes.” See? Nothing to refute. And the bonus: she is magically ready for bed in 8 minutes because she is very motivated to meet her own need.
Let me tell you a story to highlight these concepts.
I hike my dogs off leash. The other day, my boy dog lost track of me, and I had to go looking for him. A man on the trail said, “Are you looking for your dog? He went that way.” I said, “Thank you.” He then said, “It’s too bad you let your dog get away from you.” To which I responded, “Yeah, he usually keeps very good track of me.”
But I noticed that his comment bothered me because he was judging this scenario as ‘bad’ on my part. I watched my mind note how his off leash dog, a German Shepherd, is bred for protection and stays nearby, while my dogs are bred to run ahead and flush birds. My mind explained to me that my dogs do keep very good track of me, 99% of the time - and that yes, that is their job. (This idea is counter to our culture, so I didn’t really expect him to have that view.) But as you can see, my mind was using all of it’s resources to defend my sense of being a “good dog owner.”
I could go on to relate this story to you, and talk about how grumpy that man was or how off-putting. I could mention how easy it was for him to rattle off his judgement in that quick passing, where no conversation was imminent. I could say that it was such a cop-out, surmising that he must be weak, and go on about how rude some people can be. And what would I be doing? I would be talking about HIM.
And I don’t actually know anything about him. Instead, I could talk about me. I could tell you: I felt diminished in that moment, looked down upon. I could tell you that this shows some attachment in me to how I am perceived by others. I might mention that I intend to continue to see these attachments and let them go. I might also admit that I want to uplift others in my interactions with them, and since that interaction did not seem to be uplifting for him, I feel a bit disappointed. I could say the feeling of disappointment leads me to wonder what I could have done differently. And in all of that communication, you would actually learn something about me. This conversation would engender intimacy between us.
It is also interesting to note that when he mentioned how it was ‘bad’ that I let my dog get away from me - he was talking about me! I don’t know what his truth was in that moment because he didn’t share it! It could have been that he felt stressed about his dog’s reaction to Max running by them. If that was the case, he could have said, “Your dog ran that way. He passed us and my dog felt protective, acting aggressively toward your dog, and I felt very stressed. You may want to keep your dog closer to you for his safety.” THAT is a very different way of talking that actually leads to understanding. Now I have information about him and about a potential scenario, which may encourage me to keep Max closer at that park. The point of communication is to understand one another. Not necessarily to agree, but to understand. The purpose of sharing one’s truth, is communion.
To COME INTO UNION.
So you can see, can you not, that when we talk about others, it usually springs from an impure intention. In the case above, I am defending my limited (and very unimportant) sense of self against someone else. By necessity, I must look down on him to raise up my view of being ‘a good dog owner’. When I am pitting myself against someone else, or something that they said - I am motivated by a sense of separation from them. This obviously creates division between us.
So we have gone over two considerations in sharing our truth:
1. The purity of our intention and
2. Talking about ourselves.
The third consideration is intertwined with the second: asking questions instead of making assumptions. I am making an assumption any time I talk about someone else. In the case above, if I told you that guy was grumpy and blowing off some steam - that IS an ASSUMPTION, unless and until he expresses it to me himself.
In a common scenario, if someone speaks to me with an intense voice at a loud decibel, I could ask: “You seem upset. Did I do something?” This does two things that encourage understanding: it tells the person about my perspective, and it asks them about theirs. This is real communication. Any time I have ever used this, the other person immediately speaks more softly, admits that it has nothing to do with me & then clarifies the cause of their frustration. They know where I am, and now I know where they are. Marvelous.
The last consideration in speaking your truth is the clarity of your mind. In the story of Max losing me, I didn’t have mental clarity because my mind was busy defending my sense of self. Had I tried to share ‘my truth’ with that man at the time, it would have been nothing but self defense or counter attack. On the other hand, if my mind had not gone on that tangent, I might have had the clarity to ask, “Oh, did he startle you?” In which case, I would be working toward communion with this other person, instead of working for the defense of my self image.
This makes me wonder rather sheepishly, are there other people in this world who would instantly know to ask such a question?
Oftentimes for me, it is in retrospect that I can see clearly the workings of a scenario. This increases self awareness going forward, and I will gradually remember to work toward communion with others by asking them about their perspective or experience - particularly when they say something that has nothing to do with either.
These considerations in speaking your truth are plenty to ponder for now. Here they are again for reference:
What is your intention?
Are you sharing something about yourself or are you talking about someone else?
Are you making any assumptions?
And, how clear is your mind within the situation?
I will be writing more posts about communication because it is an area that is ripe for improvement in each of us and in our society. My aim will be to come into union with others & to assist you in doing the same.